It’s days like today that make it really hard to stay positive about anything. You work like hell and get nothing accomplished, you find out a client that owes you approximately $10 G hasn’t billed it yet to his client, and for some inexplicable reason about dinner time you become sullen and depressed.
Five months ago, my answer to a day like today would have been to medicate myself with a pizza and a bunch of alcohol. Today I poured a diet ice tea and cooked a healthy, home cooked meal for my family. Neither solution really fixed anything; however, tomorrow I will know that I finally made a correct choice.
I’m not writing this to say “Yeah Me!”, I’m writing this to say it could be you. Too many people in our society feel hollow inside and try to fill the void with food, alcohol, porn or some other potentially destructive behavior. What causes the void, I believe, is the realization that the person looking into mirror is not living the life that they thought they would.
Masks
When we are young, maybe high school or college, we craft this image of what our adult lives are going to be like. The type of person we will marry, the kind of cars we will own, and home we will live in. The people that take ownership of these dreams and pursue them relentlessly will realize their dreams. Approximately 98% of the population buy into the lie promulgated by well meaning people of influence (friends, parents, mentors) that dreaming is for children and does not represent life and reality. In an attempt to move on with our supposed path in life, we begin wearing “masks” that hide our true selves.
Mid Life Crisis
Some time around a milestone birthday, you know, turning 40 or 50 we wind up looking in the mirror and realize we are living a life we never intended to live. I know when I turned 50 I looked in the mirror and saw a morbidly obese person, stuck in a profession I am bored with, and realized I wasn’t following my passion. The funny thing was I could not for the life of me think of what I could be passionate about. The only thing I knew was I had to lose weight. So four months ago I joined a program through a local physical therapy practice to turn the parts of my life around that I could control. This was my form of a mid life crisis.
A funny thing happened along the way…I thought all I would accomplish would be losing weight, getting healthier, and feeling better. But what happened is I am beginning to get to know me. A by-product of the weight loss and exercise program was coming to terms with why I allowed myself to go from an athletic 200 pound man to a 310 pound guy with high blood pressure, frequent appointments with the cardiologist and more meds than a septagenarian.
I found out what I really like to do is help people. It is a driving force behind why I allowed my sons (Gregg and Glenn Hawkins), already successful bloggers, to talk me into writing this blog. You see over the past 15 years, in an effort to understand why I have been conflicted with my path in life, I have read and studied a lot of self help books. Everything from Og Mandino to Dale Carnegie. But what I struggled with was defining my dreams and goals for my life. I tried every exercise imaginable, like “What if time and money were no object” or ” Write a list of 10 Things to Have and 10 Things to Do”, but nothing really excited me. It was as if I was putting down answers I thought I wanted to hear instead of getting real about what I want. Sometimes the toughest thing is to admit you have been doing it wrong for too long.
Getting Centered and Staying There
I titled this post Staying Centered, because I have found it to be the most important thing I can do right now to change the course of my life. What do I mean by staying centered? Psychiatrists talk a lot about “finding your center”, which to me always sounded like a bunch of bullshit. I thought it was a clever sounding cliche that meant nothing. What finding your center is is finding the one thing that you are passionate enough about that it becomes the thing your life revolves around. The interesting thing is it won’t be a car or a house at the beach, it will be something much deeper, more meaningful and quite surprising. It will create that “light bulb” moment when suddenly things seem to make sense.
I started to identify my “one thing” by writing in a journal. It started out rather disorganized…I was somewhat self conscious about writing in a journal (although I kept it private and away from my family and friends), but as time went on it began to take shape and my entries were almost like a free association with myself. Periodically, I would re-read my prior entries and a pattern began to develop.
What Does This Have To Do With Weight Loss?
Once I began to understand what was lacking in my life, I lost the need to fill the void with food, because the feeling of emptiness was going away. Now when I feel lost or empty, I fill the void by writing in my journal or making a post. I feel better for having made a healthy choice, which boosts my feeling of control and ultimately results in a better mood.
I feel like this post kind of rambled on, but I needed to cover a lot of ground in order to set up future posts in these categories. What I plan to develop is a series of related posts that look more closely at why we allow ourselves to be diverted from our true path in life and why so many people compensate with destructive behaviors or negative “mid life crises”.
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